how to support a loved one suffering from addiction

In challenging circumstances like helping someone through addiction, we may feel like we’re failing our loved one or that we're not a supportive-enough parent, partner, or friend.

It’s important to remember, though, that only the person with the addiction can decide to get better in recovery. You can’t be responsible for their actions; the motivation to recover must come from them.

It can be painful or demoralising to feel we’re not enough of an incentive or reason for a loved one to change. Still, we must remind ourselves that the best we can do is be there to support them.

Living with or supporting a loved one struggling with addiction can be isolating. Sadly, this isn’t an uncommon emotional challenge when caring for someone.

Remember the people who are there to help, listen, or distract you. Because a strong support network can help you feel safe and supported.

Supporting someone with an addiction can be very stressful, and it’s important we acknowledge how we feel.

Pay close attention to signs of stress and anxiety, such as fatigue, sleep or appetite disruptions, jumpiness, irritability, or difficulty with concentration or decision-making to make sure you’re not neglecting your own health.

It's best to protect your mental health before trying to help another.

How have you been dealing with the situation? Have you been in denial for a while or trying to distract yourself? It’s natural to want to think the best of our loved ones or hope for change, but this can strain our behaviours and coping mechanisms.

Keeping a check on your mindfulness, coping tactics, and habits  will help to ensure you’re in the best mindset to help someone else.

Shame can be corrosive and profoundly affect your loved one's self-esteem, which is likely low.

Avoid saying things like, "you should be ashamed of yourself” or “how can you do this to us?”

Criticising may lead to shame or a defensive response that breaks communication or recovery.

For example, "you've ruined your life."

Apparent or underlying threats can convey a message of power which may lead to defensiveness.

Therefore, try not to say things like, "you'd better stop or…."

These may make your loved one feel judged, discouraged, or rebellious.

For example, “weak-spirited."

This approach could convey a sense of authority or superiority over your loved one.

This might sound like, "I know what you're going through, and I know you need to do this..."

These can make your loved one feel interrogated or answer quickly, like "Yes", "No", or "I don't know."

For example: "how could you not stop this?"

This diversionary tactic may give the impression that you aren't sure how to handle the conversation or issue.

This might sound like, "look on the bright side…"

You may mean well, but it could come across as pity instead of empathy.

An example of this would be, "I know you're having had a hard time, but..."

Learn as much as possible about the addiction. This will help you understand what your loved one is going through and how to support them.

It can be helpful to rehearse your main questions or tone when responding to difficult answers, but don’t spend too much time on this.

It’s best to avoid trying to predict what your loved one will say or the conversation's outcome, as this can lead to discomfort if things don't go as planned. Instead, pick a maximum time to rehearse, like an hour, and stick to it.

When rehearsing, think of open questions that you can ask about their wellbeing and addiction. These questions can help invite your loved one to answer in detail and feel more considered.

A good starting point is, "Tell me a little more about..." or "What are your feelings about..."

This conversation may be stressful, so practising your body language or grounding techniques can help manage your stress response.

Breathing exercises such as box breathing – breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four are good examples.

Another useful exercise is 'Drop 3' – relax your jaw, drop your shoulders, and relax your tummy.

While it is important to support your loved one, it’s also important to set boundaries. Be clear with yourself about what you will and won't tolerate, and then stick to this. If the conversation begins to cross these boundaries, you’re entitled to pause or stop altogether.

We support past and present members of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of England and Wales (ICAEW), ACA students, ICAEW staff members, and the family and carers of members and students. 

1. No matter where your career takes you, past and present members of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of England Wales (ICAEW) are eligible for caba’s services for life, even if you change your career and leave accountancy 
2. ACA students (ICAEW Provisional Members) who are either an active student or have been an active student within the last three years are eligible for caba's services 
3. Past and present staff members of the ICAEW or caba are eligible for caba's services for life, even if you leave either organisation. Please note, for former employees, our financial support is only available to those who have had five years continuous employment with either organisation 
4. Family members and carers of either an eligible past or present ICAEW member, ACA student or past or present employee of the ICAEW or caba are eligible for caba's support. We define a family member as a: 
   1. spouse, civil partner or cohabiting partner 
   2. widow, widower or surviving civil partner who has not remarried or cohabiting with a partner 
   3. divorced spouse or civil partner who has not remarried or cohabiting with a partner 
   4. child aged up to 25. Please note, children aged between 16 and 25 are not eligible for individual financial support 
   5. any other person who is dependent on the eligible individual supporting them financially or are reliant on the eligible individual’s care 
   6. any other person on whom the eligible individual is reliant, either financially or for care 

You can find out more about our available support both in the UK and around the world on our support we offer  page. 

If you need financial support, we carry out a means test where we consider income, expenditure, capital and assets.  

*Please note none of our other services are means-tested. 

Unfortunately not. We only support past and present ICAEW members, their carers and their families. If we are unable to support you, where possible we will point you to help elsewhere.

We understand that circumstances change. If we’ve helped you in the past there’s no reason why we can’t help you again. You can contact us at any time. Please call us if you need our help.