FACT SHEETS
BEREAVEMENT
Please click on the topic below for details:
- Children
- Financial Arrangements
- Inquest and Post Mortem
- Links to other support
- Letting people know
- Other Family Members
- Paying for the Funeral
- Reactions to hearing of death
- Registering the death
- Sharing your grief
- Suicide
- Talking about death
- Violent Death or Murder
- Your Health
If you have been affected by the death of someone you know and would like to talk, in confidence, to one of our professional counsellors, please call CABA's 24 hour Advice and Counselling Helpline at any time, on 0800 107 6163.
If you are living with someone who is terminally ill, or you have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, please do not hesitate to call on 0800 107 6163 at any time, to speak in confidence, to one of our professional counsellors.
You may have been affected by the suicide of someone close to you or by some other traumatic event. If you would like to talk to a professional counsellor in complete confidence, please call on 0800 107 6163.
Alternatively you may find the information you need in the following pages or through the links to other websites.
The death of a loved one or someone close to us is something that will happen to us all, at some time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve – it is different for each of us.
The professionals talk about a grieving process. Sometimes, an individual can get ‘stuck’ in the process and their grief seems to overwhelm them to such an extent that it affects every aspect of their life. This is when talking to someone can really help. You may have been struggling to come to terms with the death of someone for several weeks, months or even years. There is no timescale that dictates how long the grieving process should last. You will be the one who decides that your grief is causing you difficulties.
The links on the following pages give information on what to do after someone dies, arrangements for the funeral, practical information on finances and sharing or talking about your grief.
If you would like more information, please call CABA on 01788 556366.
Reactions to hearing of death
When we hear of the death of someone close to us, we can experience a huge range of emotions, some of which are listed below. You may experience some, all, or none of these feelings and in varying degrees.
| Abandonment | Sometimes we can feel as though we have been abandoned by the person who has died; ‘Why has he/she left me?’ ‘I can’t carry on without him/her.’ |
| Anger | We can experience feelings of anger towards whatever or whomever we think has caused the death; “Why has this happened to my loved one - to me?” We might even feel angry with the person who has died - “Why did they go there/do that/not listen to me?” |
| Coping | When people fill their time with activities or tasks, they may be doing so unconsciously, in order to avoid the pain or loss. |
| Denial | We find it difficult to believe the news until we have it proved to us. Sometimes someone may appear to think that the person has not died, even though there is clear proof that they have. This is especially difficult if there is no body but where it is possible to do so, visiting the body, however painful this may be, may help to overcome the denial. |
| Disbelief | A need to go over and over the information and details. |
| Guilt | It can be especially difficult if some survive and others die in an accident or disaster. We may ask ourselves ‘Why them and not me?’ We may feel guilty about getting on with our lives again, about laughing or enjoying ourselves. |
| Hysteria | We shake, scream, cry, laugh or rush around aimlessly. |
| Panic | We ask: ‘What am I going to do now?’, ‘Who is going to look after me?’, ‘How am I going to tell ……….?’, ‘How am I going to cope?’ |
| Relief |
Relief that the suffering is over, that you don’t have to cope with looking after the person any longer, that someone you dislike/hate is no longer able to affect you. |
| Shock | To such an extent that we faint, shake uncontrollably, shiver or feel completely numb. |
| Withdraw | Some people want to withdraw completely and to have nothing to do with anyone - to be left alone with their grief. |
These are all normal reactions and the list is not comprehensive. People may experience them in varying degrees and for different lengths of time. Sometimes we may have a period of time when we feel one emotion more strongly than another, such as anger or guilt, for example. We may feel we have come to terms with a particular emotion and then find that some time later, we are struggling with similar feelings again. We may not experience some emotions until years later, perhaps when we experience another death or a particularly difficult and emotional time.
It can be a painful process, coming to terms with the death of someone who played an important role in our lives. If we do not ‘allow’ ourselves to grieve and experience our emotions, we may find that we do not cope well in a future stressful or difficult situation.
Our own emotions and dealing with other people’s grief is discussed later.
Immediately after the death, there are practical issues which need to be sorted out.
Letting people know
Immediately after the death, there seems to be a tremendous amount to do. You may have to do this yourself or someone else might step in and do everything. You may resent being put in either position but as everyone around you is also grieving, you may not like to say anything.
There are all the telephone calls to make.
If you are the one ringing up close family and friends to break the news, you may now suddenly find yourself hearing other peoples’ responses and these can be quite distressing. You may find that you are comforting other people or that you are having to deal with outbursts. You will also receive a lot of condolences, support and offers of help. You may be talking to people you have not had any contact with for years; you may have to ring people you don’t want to have to talk to. It can feel exhausting but can also give you a great deal of support and comfort.
If someone else has decided to make all the calls, you may feel resentful and not understand why you are feeling like that. They may be trying to protect you and you think you should be feeling grateful, but you are not. You may feel you want to talk to these people, you may feel you need their support.
You may feel relieved that someone has taken on these responsibilities. None of these feelings are right or wrong. Whatever you feel, try to get the situation as right for you as possible. This may mean compromising, so that everyone involved has an opportunity to participate in these processes.
Registering the death
You or someone close to the deceased person must register the death with the Registrar of Births, Marriages and Deaths. The details of your local office will be in your telephone directory. A death should normally be registered within five days but if the Registrar is told that a medical certificate has been issued, registration can be delayed for another nine days. You cannot register a death if the death has been reported to the coroner, until the coroner's investigations are finished.
It is a good idea to ask for two or three copies of the Death Certificate when registering the death. It is much easier and cheaper to obtain copies at this time than to have to request them at a later date. Keep one in your possession at home at all times. The copies can be sent to organisations requesting sight of an original Death Certificate, as some organisations will not accept a photocopy.
Inquest and Post Mortem
If the person died suddenly or unexpectedly and had not been seen by a doctor within the previous 14 days, or there is some suspicion or uncertainty about how the person died, a post mortem will be carried out.
Some people find the thought of this very distressing but it will help to provide answers, which may prove helpful in the long term. Not knowing how someone died can cause continuing difficulties in coming to terms with the death of a loved one.
There may have been police enquiries, followed by an inquest. These in themselves can be very distressing and may delay the funeral. The Coroner’s Officer can be a very useful source of support and can put you in touch with organisations local to you, who may be able to help you. The results of an inquest or police enquiries may also answer a lot of questions and help to make sense of the death.
Financial Arrangements
You will need to choose a Funeral Director and to decide on the coffin, cars, flowers and the service; whether to have a church or faith service, followed by a burial or cremation, or a simple service at the crematorium.
If you have no idea of which Funeral Director to choose, ask amongst friends and neighbours. If you belong to a particular faith, you could ask the advice of the leader of your faith.
When you have chosen a Funeral Director, they are usually very helpful and will liaise with the necessary people for you.
Whoever is going to take the funeral service will want to meet with you to discuss the arrangements for the service, whether you have any special items you would like included and whether anyone else will be taking part. They will want to know something of the life and special events of the person who has just died. Although it may be difficult and painful to talk in this way about the person who has just died, the information you are able to provide will help to make any service special and relevant to those in attendance at the funeral. It can be a helpful process to include other people in providing this information; parents, colleagues and close friends as well as other family members. Your loved one may have been ‘special’ to many other people.
If you want to have a burial and have not already made the necessary arrangements, you will need to find out where this can take place and how much it will cost. The Funeral Director should be able to help you with these enquiries.
For some people, they would rather be anywhere than having to be involved in making these decisions. For others, although painful and upsetting, this can be a special time when they can take great care in including the deceased person’s wishes and those of others close to them. Songs, hymns, prayers, readings and other special touches are included and the funeral is seen as a celebration of the person’s life. These duties are carried out as the last act that they can do for the person who has died and are a very important part of their grieving process.
Paying for the Funeral
If the deceased person had no savings, had not paid in advance for their funeral and has no assets which will pay for the funeral, the person making the arrangements will have to pay. Other family members may help with the costs but if they are unable to and you are in receipt of a means tested State Benefit, you may be able to apply for assistance from the State to pay for the funeral.
If you would like more information on paying for a Funeral, please contact the Chartered Accountants’ Benevolent Association (CABA) on 01788 556366, or e-mail support@caba.org.uk
The Citizens Advice Bureau website (link below) has, excellent information and advice.
Alternatively, you can contact your local CAB for information leaflets. To find your nearest CAB, you can use their Public Information Guide where you can access their online Directory of Bureau. Go to their Home Page at www.adviceguide.org.uk and scroll down to ‘Find Your Local CAB’.
Financial Arrangements
You may now find that you are the one who has to deal with all the financial arrangements. If you have not dealt with payments of household bills etc., these may now need to be transferred to your name. The Registrar’s Office has leaflets which may be helpful.
You will need to contact and cancel or change Direct Debits and Standing Orders on the deceased person’s bank and building society accounts. Accounts held in the deceased person’s name will be ‘frozen’ and this can make things difficult for you if you do not have any accounts in your own name. Talk to your bank manager if this is the case, to see if he/she can make some arrangement to release money to you until the deceased person’s estate has been sorted out. Sufficient money to pay for the funeral should be made available.
If the person who has died was receiving a State pension or benefit, the Registrar will automatically send a document to the Department for Work and Pensions. You will need to let the provider of any occupational pension know that the person has died.
If they held any stocks, shares or other financial holdings, these organisations will have to be advised for the purposes of obtaining Probate.
If the deceased person was a member of a professional body, paid subscriptions for publications or for membership of organisations, clubs or a gym, they must all be notified. You will also need to let the doctor, dentist and optician know and you should advise the Local Authority so that the deceased person’s name can be removed from the Electoral Register and Council Tax liability - if you are now the only adult occupying your home, you can claim a single occupancy discount from the local Housing Department.
If there is a Will, this will be processed and the Executors may need to apply for Probate to release any monies due to you or any other beneficiaries. Depending on the size of the deceased person’s estate, there may be Inheritance Tax to pay. You can apply for Probate yourself but if the deceased person’s estate is quite complicated, it might be easier to ask a Solicitor to apply for you, for which they will make a charge. There is often a fee plus a percentage of the value of the estate. You should be clear before entering into any commitment and certain that you can meet these costs.
If you do receive money or property from the deceased person’s estate, you may need to make some decisions on how to invest any capital or what to do with any property or other valuable asset. It might be advisable to seek professional advice before making any decisions. Take your time to make any decisions. At a time when you may be distressed and exhausted, other family members may make suggestions which, although well meaning, may not be the right decision for you.
Your Health
You may find that you are not sleeping or eating very well. You may experience panic attacks, where you may suddenly feel unable to move or have an overwhelming desire to get out of the situation you are in and to return home. If these persist, speak to your Doctor.
You may be feeling very low, depressed or even have suicidal thoughts, especially in the weeks and months after the death. You must see your Doctor who will be able to help.
Please call our Helpline on 0800 107 6163 at any time, day or night, to talk to a professional counsellor.
Sharing your grief
Sharing your grief can be a tremendous relief, especially with people who knew the deceased person. Your emotions may fluctuate, you may not want to be alone and you may find comfort in talking about the person you loved or cared for. Some people find it easy to express their feelings and to cry and there can be a sense of relief after a period of weeping. It can also be quite exhausting.
Others do not like to cry in public or even in front of other close family members. It can then be very difficult to hear people expressing their condolences and talking about the deceased person and you may feel that people are trying to force a reaction from you. It may be helpful to have some phrases in mind such as ‘thank you for your concern but I am finding it very difficult to talk about just now’. If you feel that someone is trying to force the issue, explain that you will talk when you are ready to do so.
You may feel that people are avoiding you - this is usually because they simply do not know what to say and may feel very uncomfortable about ‘upsetting’ you. Some people find it extremely difficult to see someone in tears or obviously upset. It can feel hurtful to think that someone is trying to avoid you at a time when you would like their emotional support, especially if that person is a family member or friend.
You may, however, be experiencing feelings and thoughts that you don’t feel you can share because they make you feel guilty and bad for having such thoughts - ‘you should never speak ill of the dead’ etc. You think you will upset or offend the people you are with. This can lead to bottling up your feelings and pushing them to the back of your mind. If you do not allow yourself to express some of these thoughts and feelings it can lead to problems. This is when talking to a professional counsellor, in confidence can really help.
Talking about death
Death is one of the remaining taboos and it can be difficult to find the right words with which to speak about it. We often use phrases such as ‘passed away’, ‘gone to their Maker’, ‘no longer with us’ or someone has just ‘lost’ their partner etc. There are so many ways in which the death of someone can be referred to, without actually using the word ‘dead’ or ‘death’.
If you have not experienced the death of someone close, you may feel very uncomfortable when speaking to someone who has recently been bereaved.
Most people would prefer to have the death acknowledged and a simple statement such as “I was so sorry to hear that ………… has died” will be sufficient. If said immediately, it avoids any difficulty in referring to the death at a later stage. The person you are talking to may not know whether you have heard the news and may be trying to find a way to tell you.
The bereaved person may seem to respond abruptly, which may mean they do not want to talk in any depth, as they may be embarrassed about crying in public. If you genuinely feel able to listen, ask if they want to talk about it now, or at a later time. Even if you have sent a card of condolence, it is helpful to acknowledge the death the first time you meet. The bereaved person may have received many cards and not be able to remember who has sent one or they may feel unable to look at them in the first few days after the death.
If you meet someone who was bereaved some time ago and you have not had an opportunity to say anything previously, a statement such as “How are you managing now - I expect life has changed since …………… died”, will help to let the other person know that you know what has happened.
If you feel able to offer practical help, let the person know how you can help - a trip to the supermarket for or with them, cooking a meal etc and invite them to contact you. Simply knowing that someone is willing to help can mean a great deal.
Grieving and how it may affect relationships
Using language which alludes to the death can be particularly confusing for children. One little boy of four was told that his Daddy had ‘gone to heaven’. A few months later the family were to travel by airplane on holiday and he was convinced he was going to ‘see his Daddy’ whilst he was up in the sky. At that point, the little boy had to come to terms with the fact that his father was not coming back and only then was he able to begin his own grieving process.
Many of us try to protect our children and not to upset them with bad or sad news. From a very young age, children are aware when something is wrong and if we do not explain clearly why we are upset or why they can no longer see a family member, they will make up their own conclusion. This may include them feeling they are responsible for the person no longer being around or that it is somehow their fault that we are sad or distressed. This can be compounded if they are excluded from conversations or sent away to stay with relatives. They may feel punished and that it must be their fault. Children can also feel very resentful, hurt and angry if they believe some time later that they were ‘lied to’.
You know your own children best but sometimes, especially when overwhelmed by what has happened, other people who mean well, can influence your decisions.
Children also need to grieve and, as with adults, each child will react differently. If a child seems almost indifferent to the news and appears to be more concerned about meeting friends or getting to a pre-arranged football match or party, this can be very difficult to handle as an adult. Explaining to your children, that you will need time to do things and that you will be sad, will help them to understand and to feel included in the process. It can help if they understand that they might have different feelings and want to deal with their grief in different ways from each other – there is no right or wrong way to grieve - and everyone should respect each other’s reactions.
Allow children to be included in the Rituals. Quite young children may want to go to view the dead person. If they are fully prepared and know what to expect and also know that they can change their mind, this can be an important part of coming to terms with the death.
They should not, however, feel that they must go to see the dead person because everyone else is going. No-one, and especially a child, should be made to feel that people think they felt any less about the person who has died because they did not take part in some or even all of the rituals. A child’s decision regarding attending the funeral may be different from yours. If they know what to expect and understand that this will be a very solemn and sad event and that it is everyone’s time to think about the dead person, even very young children may want to attend. Children who did not attend a funeral because they were thought to be ‘too young’, can express feelings of loss and regret that they were not included when they are older – even when they do not remember the event.
You may want to have your own family ritual, either during the service, cremation or burial or to plan something special some time later.
If a child does not appear to have been affected at all by the death and seems to be continuing with their life as if nothing had happened, we can become concerned and anxious and try to force the child to talk about their feelings. It may be that they are getting the emotional support they need from friends but if a child is exhibiting longer-term behavioural problems, you must seek help.
A book which you might find helpful is The Forgotten Mourners edition 2 (by Susan C Smith. Jessica Kingsley Publishers)
Death of a child
If your child dies, it doesn’t matter what age they were, they were still your child. We do not expect our children to die before us and the pain can feel unbearable.
There are specialist groups who can support parents and families going through the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, sudden infant death, terminal illness, murder or other violent deaths.
http://www.childbereavement.org.uk
Suicide
If you are feeling suicidal, then please contact our Counsellors on 0800 107 6163 or contact the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90, e-mail jo@samaritans.org.uk, web site www.samaritans.org.uk
You may have been affected by the suicide of a close family member or friend. If this is so, please call CABA's 24 hour Advice and Counselling Helpline on 0800 107 6163 or visit the link below for more information and support.
Survivors of bereavement by suicide can be contacted by email on: sobs.admin@care4free.net
Violent Death or Murder
If the person you loved or cared for has met a violent death or has been murdered, you and your family may need additional support over a longer period.
Please call CABA's 24 hour Advice and Counselling Helpline on 0800 107 6163 and speak to a counsellor.
Other Family Members
As with talking to children about the death of a close family member, you may also try not to upset other adult family members and, therefore, decide not to talk about the deceased person. This can lead to difficulties for both you and the other person. You may be bottling up emotions and so too may the other person.
You may feel that your partner wants to talk about the deceased person all the time or that they do not appear to want to talk about them very much. Where a couple do not grieve in the same way, over a period of time, this can lead to difficulties. One person may feel that the other ‘does not care’ about how they are feeling and the other may feel they have done their ‘visible’ grieving and now want to move on and return to as normal a life as possible.
Both may feel that the other is inconsiderate, uncaring and unsupportive and this can lead to a great strain on the relationship.
Children, who may themselves be adults, may have different expectations when one parent dies. They may want to protect the remaining parent and not talk too much about the deceased parent or they may want to talk and reminisce constantly about the parent who has died.
Talking to each other to find out what feels right for each person can be helpful - and you may find that, with time, these needs change for each person.
If you feel that your relationship is becoming strained with a family member or partner, call CABA's 24 Advice and Counselling Helpline on 0800 1067 6163 if you would like to talk to one of our professional counsellors.
Links to other organisations
The following link has more useful information about bereavement and links to other organisations .www.dh.gov.uk Go to: Policy And Guidance and then to Health and Social Care Topics, then to Bereavement and scroll down to Bereavement Useful Links.
CRUSE - National charity set up to offer free, confidential help to bereaved people. Cruse produces booklets on coping with grief, which you can buy on-line - www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Child Bereavement Trust - Charity with on-line information for young people who have lost someone close - www.childbereavement.org.uk
SIBS - Sibs support people who grow up with a brother or sister with special needs, disabilities or chronic illness. Information is also available for adult siblings, parents and professionals - www.sibs.org.uk
Local Hospices - for counselling for people who are living with terminal illness - www.helpthehospices.org.uk
Terrance Higgins Trust - information and support for people with AIDS www.tht.org.uk
Victim Support - supports victims of violent crime, including murder www.victimsupport.com
If you have been affected by the death of someone you know and would like to talk about it in confidence to one of our professional counsellors, please call CABA's 24 hour Advice and Counselling Helpline, at any time, on 0800 107 6163
